Muslim Fathers

Status Update

2011-09-19T21:14:00.000-04:00

Assalam alaikum brothers and sisters,

The crew at MuslimFathers is still alive and kicking, though personal obligations make it difficult to do as much as we would like to for this important cause. Thankfully, the dialogue regarding fatherhood in Islam is continuing. Our community page on Facebook is very active and growing and we are doing what we can to generate local as well as national discourse on this topic. Please join our facebook page to keep up with the latest: https://www.facebook.com/MuslimFathers

Hanging Out With Your Kids

2011-01-09T16:12:00.006-05:00

Assalam alaikum,

To develop anything, your business, your body, your knowledge, you have to put in the hours. That's a truth that has stood the test of time and is just as true today in the age of the internet as it was in the time of the industrial or agricultural revolution. This same universal law applies to the strength of the relationship between you and your children: YOU have to spend time with them, get to know them, let them know you. A sheikh or your local Islamic school is not an adequate substitute (but can be a great supplement). We've compiled a list of fun, interesting, and creative ways that you can hang out with your kids and have some fun together. The list is compiled of suggestions from brothers and sisters reflecting their real life routines and experiences with their children or parents and is divided into categories for your convenience. My deepest thanks to all the brothers and sisters who shared with me their great ideas, may Allah reward you all. Allah bless.

Physical
lift weights
calisthenics
martial arts
hitting boxing mits
running
biking
soccer
basketball
cricket
swimming
frisbee golf
boomerang
indoor rock climbing
charity run/walk

The Great Outdoors
nature walks
camping
horseback riding
night kayaking
orienteering
hiking
mountain climbing
ice skating
beach camping
high ropes course
archery
dolphin/whale watching
sailing
fishing
shooting range
hunting
football
archery
BB gun/air rifle
snowball fights

Out on the Town
individual night out with Mom or Dad
"stay-cation" - rent a local hotel room, bounce on the beds, chill by the pool
museums
arboretums
zoos
aquariums
local fire dept. open house
sushi lunch
amusement parks
mini golf
go-carts
yard-sales
historical re-enactments

Educational
reading
photography (disposable cameras or digital)
cooking
community center art classes
local library book clubs
map making
samurai vs spartan warrior culture comparison
school projects
pottery
using your imagination, finding images in clouds
book making
movie making
gardening
listen to audio books

Games and Entertainment
popcorn movie night with the kids and their friends
playing with hotwheels
hide and seek
piggy back rides
roughhousing
tickling
tag
radio control cars
kite flying
kite making
crabbing
water balloon fight
scavenger hunt
laser tag
video games (The Wii seems very popular)
board games
hand puppets
uno
air hockey
lego
interesting cartoons
ping pong
pillow fights

Spiritual
reading Seerah
reading Tafseer
Salat
making dua together
fasting

Wow! What an awesome list. I can't thank the brothers and sisters who contributed to this enough. As a final note, MuslimFathers.com would like to emphasize a suggestion for one of the best ways that a child and parent can spend time together and bond: reading, discussing, and experiencing the Seerah of the Messenger (peace be upon him). My own experience with this great endeavor is chronicled here.

Thank you all and Allah knows best.

Yahya

Khutbah about Fatherhood in Islam

2010-07-31T19:04:00.001-04:00

A khutbah I recently gave about our favorite topic at Dar At-Taqwa in Columbia, MD. Great responses from the crowd. Please forgive my shortcomings...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt48484LNcY&feature=PlayList&p=4872E9A2D91FC96F&index=0&playnext=1

Five Family Jewels

2010-06-09T22:16:00.005-04:00

During the course of my life, my parents have taught me hundreds, if not thousands, of important things. From the most mundane skills to the most profound ideas, much of what I know comes from my mother and father. There are some lessons, however, that tend to stand out beyond the others; inspirations or examples that have become part and parcel of how I conduct my life, lessons I want to pass onto my children. I want to share the five most valuable lessons my parents taught me, and I urge you to reflect on what the five most important lessons are that your parents have passed on to you.

1. “Dogs bark, and Caravans Move On”

This is a rough translation of an Urdu saying that is near and dear to my father. He often repeats it to me when I feel frustrated at others, or circumstances, that seem to be hindering my progress or messing up my plans. In essence, my father is telling me not to be distracted by the many insignificant side-shows that line the journey of life. Whether I am suffering career or personal disappointments, my father is lovingly telling me to keep my eyes on the prize and move along. When others try to bring me down, this is my fathers way of telling me to ignore the barking dogs and keep my wheels rolling.

2. “Dry-Clean your Soul”

When I first was heading off to college, to live on-campus no less, my mother pulled me aside and told me the following: “We all make mistakes, and sometimes we sin. We get stains and soil our soul the way a shirt gets dirty from wear and tear. But what do you do with a soiled shirt? You clean it so that you can continue to wear it with your head up. In the same way, you clean your soul with salaat.” Before hearing this, I used to think it was hypocritical of people who sinned to then go stand in front of Allah swt and pray. But this beautiful lesson taught me two important things: first, none of us is perfect, but salaat helps us get nearer to perfection. Second, never to despair in the Mercy of Allah swt – knowing we are imperfect, He blessed us with prayer so even the worst of sinners can find redemption. No matter how low you may feel because of something wrong you have done, salaat can purify you and rectify your situation with Allah swt.

3. “Its all an Amanaah"

Ever since I can remember, I have heard it over and over again that any education or skills that I have are simply a trust, an amaanah, from Allah swt. My mother sweetly pounded into me the understanding that getting degrees was not about making money (after all, our sustenance is already decided). With education came the responsibility to use it to help the community, both Muslim and non-Muslim. God didn't give me those degrees for nothing. Thanks to this lesson, from a young age I have found myself constantly motivated to do community service work knowing that my knowledge and skills are not for my sole pleasure. Every single one of us has skills, knowledge, or experience that can be used in the service of uplifting others; we should all feel obliged to give back what we can. I hope to instill this lesson in my children so they become adults with a drive to serve others.

4. “Say Whatever You Want”

Ok, I admit, this is one lesson I am still struggling to implement. My father has always taught me and my siblings that its not what you say, its how you say it. Being pleasant even when telling the listener things he or she doesn't want to hear can make all the difference in your point getting across. Being kind in your speech not only increases your credibility and preserves the other party's dignity, it is also from the sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and the many Prophets before him. Remember, even Moses was told to address Pharaoh with gentle and kind words. Pharaoh – the most wretched man of all creation! Even for someone like him, Allah swt commanded a Prophet to use good and kind language. So go ahead, say what you want (with wisdom though!) but just say it nicely.

5. “Walk the Talk”

I have never forgotten an incident from when I was around 10 years old. I asked my father if I could have his pen. My father was an employee of the U.S. Government for almost 30 years. He always had a U.S. government-issued pen tucked in his front pocket. I knew he had countless of these black pens rolling around in his briefcase and car. One of those shiny official government pens could significantly raise my status in school (or so I imagined). My father said no, I couldn't have it. Why? He explained, “These pens are not mine. They belong to the government and are only for government use. Using them for anything other than work would be wrong. I never use them for personal business, so I'm sorry, you cannot have it. I will give you one of my personal pens”.

Another time, also when I was around 9 or 10 years old, we picked up some food from a drive-through and had driven half-way home when my mother realized that we had gotten too much change back. It was less than a dollar. We were all hungry and the food was smelling great, so it was to my great chagrin that my father turned the car around to go return the extra change.

The lesson I learned from these two events, along with many other similar ones, is that our children watch what we do and how we do it very carefully. We are teaching them morals and lessons, whether we want to or not, with our deeds and words. The fact that these incidents made such an impression, even though at the time I saw no lesson and was probably a little miffed, motivates me to try and always do what I preach. I know that my little girls will remember the good, the bad, and the ugly, and that the smallest act of good or evil that they witness could have profound effects on their character. Talking about morality or ethics with your children does not have nearly the same impact as acting in a moral and ethical manner. So be cognizant of the fact that you are always teaching lessons through your actions.

These are five of the most important lessons I learned from my parents. I hope they become valuable lessons for others too. Whether we realize it or not, we all operate according to principles and lessons imparted to us by our parents. Take an hour, jot down the five most important lessons your parents taught you, and email them to me at rabiachaudryesq@yahoo.com with the word “Lessons” in the subject line. I will be compiling them to publish so that thousands of others can benefit from the beautiful lessons of our parents.

-Rabia Chaudry, Esq.

Best from the Web

2010-06-04T15:33:00.002-04:00

It's the information age and parents need all the assistance they can get. Here are a few links from across the Web that might be of help:

How to motivate an inert child: In the age of the *ahem* Internet and *cough, cough* Facebook, kids need to get used to going out and playing. This article gives some practical ideas.

A really inspiring article about a non-Muslim woman discovering the blessings of covering up through her 9 year-old, hijab-wearing daughter.

It's common knowledge that positive fatherly relationship has a great psychological impact on developing girls, but did you know that young girls are biologically affected by their relationships with their dads? Neither did I. Check it out.

You watch out for high fructose corn syrup, fats, and artificial flavors when you go shopping, right? But do you watch out for pesticides? The long term effects could be very serious. And it's by CNN, so it must be true.

Enjoy. Go Team Muslim Families!

What does it take to be a good Father?

2010-05-21T15:36:00.004-04:00

Assalam alaikum,

Sorry for the absence everyone. I've been out of the loop for about 2 months, but I can promise that I was occupied with things of a fatherly nature. In this latest post, let's get to the crux of the matter quickly: What does it take to be a good father? What is the attribute you need to have to really do justice to the Trust that Allah has bestowed upon you when He granted you children? In my personal opinion, there is a very simple answer: Sacrifice. You must be willing to put your children ahead of yourself. You need to be able to put their needs ahead of your own feelings, fears, interests, and sometimes even ahead of your own dreams. I am not saying to martyr yourself for your children and give up everything that makes you personally happy, because, God willing, there will be time and opportunity to treat yourself. But the crucial point remains the same, a good and devoted parent thinks of his/her child first in all the major decisions he/she makes. This might be obvious to some readers out there and to others it might be a revelation and to others it might be blasphemous. But let me put it out there on the Web for people to ruminate and argue about.

Many people, I have come to realize and witness, are not very capable of doing this. They put their own aspirations, emotions, and needs ahead of the needs of their children. When they are angry, they argue with their spouses though their children look on. They pursue personal goals even if their children have to suffer because of it. When planning their future, their children are an after thought, while their own interests and even hobbies take center stage. What toll will this neglect take on their children? How deeply will it reverberate throughout their own lifespan and even into the lives of their grandchildren?

For our children's sake and hence the sake of this Ummah, let us take ourselves to account and evaluate if we are doing all we can for their total well-being. Sacrifice is hard, but it has always been people of great faith that have been able to make the greatest sacrifices. A rich spiritual relationship with your Creator enables you to give up many of life's other attachments and give of yourself to those who need it most.

And Allah knows best.

The Quranic Outlook on fatherhood: MuslimFathers.com Original

2010-04-09T11:52:00.002-04:00

There is no question that the discourse on parenting in Muslim texts and tradition has centered on the status and role of the mother. The very real sacrifices which include emotional and physical care at all levels is highlighted by both the Quran and traditions of the Prophet (s), including a very vivid hadith stating the status preference of the mother three times prior to that of the father. The required insistence on the centrality of motherhood has been needed because of the patriarchal hierarchy that has plagued many societies including Muslim majority ones, where women are only seen through constructed social function (i.e. Mother, sister, wife, daughter etc.) and not as autonomous figures.

The above insistence should in no way diminish the discourse around the centrality of fatherhood and its importance in building a cohesive family unit and in turn a healthy pool of young people who can contribute to the larger society. Our fathers are key in engendering qualities, in both daughters and sons, that allow for a comprehensive and refined personality to take shape as we mature and become older. Studies have shown that fathers who are present in the lives of their children help build qualities such as affection, responsibility, moral compass, hard work commitment and so on.

In the past few days as I reflected on the Quranic and Prophetic outlook on fatherhood, I could not help but think of my personal experience with my father and father figures in my life. I lost my father at a tender age, before I reached my teen years; the sudden loss of my father at that age still has a most hovering effect on me. There had always been the thoughts of “what if” and how would my life have been different? But what inspires me today is the father figures I had in my life after the death of my father. My blood-brothers with their constant care, my brother-mentors in faith who I was able to take a moral journey with; and the countless number of other individuals who played a role in my development. I consider myself blessed because of the people I had around me, yet there are millions of children who do not have that network after their fathers are no longer present.

My recent reflections of fatherhood based on the Quranic and Prophetic model has illustrated three qualities that strikingly stand out. Qualities which if fathers are able to struggle with and help bring to the lives of their children would have a major developmental impact. The three qualities highlighted by the Quran and vivid life experiences of the Prophet are Loving-Affection, Presence and Guiding Hand.

The Quran so beautifully brings to life the many conversations that serve as a model between a number of fathers and their children. The current forum will not suffice all of the examples but one conversation that takes place in the 31st Surah will serve as a model. The conversation between Luqman and his son is advertently and inadvertently laced with references to the above three qualities. A father whose loving-affectionate language by the use of the term “boonaiy” referencing love, respect, humility and friendship to his son. A father who had worked and built the trust of his son, so when he needed to be a guiding hand in his life, the relationship was built on solid ground where his son would listen and take the guidance and moral compass to heart. A father who exemplifies his presence in the life of his son by understanding when and what type of friendship and advice is needed and provided it at that time. A deeper study of these “Ayaat”* will demonstrate a relationship that every father needs to reflect upon.

One challenge that I speak to young people about is how they personalize their relationship to the life of the man whom God used to send his revelation through. There are various factors as to why many people cannot connect to the Prophet (s) at a personal level, one being that many of the biographies written about him follow a very basic chronological order based on events that can at times diminish the very real person he was on a day to day basis.

When I sat recently to reflect “the father” aspects of his life I could not help but understand a little better the Ayat* where God refers to him as a “beautiful model”. I focused mainly on his relationship to his daughter Fatima, whose stature and love in the sight of her father was well known. The above three qualities are highlighted in this relationship. One common practice that the Prophet engaged in until he passed, was his insistence on standing and affectionately greeting Fatima anytime she entered the room. Accounts are told of so many times where he would be sitting and she entered the room, he would stand, greet her, kiss her and bring her next time to be seated.

This relationship that was build through the years, where Fatima saw her father go through the trying times of Makkah and the sweet times of Madina, helped solidify a solid bond. This bond was so unyielding that even after she was married and now had established her own family, she went to him and he came to her for things such as marital advice, securing a maid, dealing with foes, raising children etc.

There does not exist an ideal parent or father. Yet it is the struggle of constantly attempting to improve ones relationship that is seen and appreciated by children. Perfection is not a human trait, yet modeling and struggle is what makes us the best humans.

*In reference to a verse from the Quran I purposely use the Arabic terminology, as I do not believe the translation verse does justice to what an Ayat of the Quran means. An Ayat is not only a verse, rather a sign, a revealing of sorts, a discovery. The term verse does not do it justice. For a detailed discussion refer to Tariq Ramadan’s “In The Footsteps of the Prophet”

by Haris Tarin

10 steps to get your kid published

2010-04-02T17:37:00.004-04:00

I’ve been a monster reader my entire life. When I had my first born, I was determined to instill a love of reading in her as well. As she grew, so did her extensive children’s book collection. I spent countless nights reading to her, frequently took her to bookstores and libraries, and did my best to excite her about how books could expand her world, inform and entertain her. She was around seven years old when I realized it wasn’t working. After all my efforts, she seemed to take more pleasure in collecting books than actually reading them.

After thinking long and hard, I decided to try a different approach. I concluded that perhaps if my daughter engaged herself in writing rather than reading, eventually she would learn to value books beyond just being a collector’s item. So I pitched the idea of her writing her own book. The deal was that she could pick her own subject, use our computer to write a little bit each day, I would then “publish” it, she could illustrate it, and we would bind it into a real book to share with others.

She was thrilled and excited. She immediately chose to write about our pair of cockatiels and began spending about thirty minutes a day typing her story on the computer, which definitely sweetened the deal for her and made her feel like she was doing meaningful and serious work. A few weeks later the book, around six pages of very large type, was ready to be published. Two official copies were printed which she illustrated using crayons and markers. One copy was for the family and the other was proudly presented to a family friend who happened to be a professional writer. My daughter was rightly proud of her work and shared it with everyone who visited us for the next few months!

Knowing the point of this exercise was to foster a love of reading in her, you may be wondering if the objective was accomplished. In truth, it wasn’t. It turned out, according to numerous teachers and reflected in her grades, that my little girl was a bit of a math whiz. Reading and writing just weren’t her strong subjects but math came to her naturally and easily. So maybe she wouldn’t turn out to the great reader and writer I had dreamed of. Over time we had identified what she was naturally gifted at, math, and in the process she had fun in creating a book that will be always be a cherished memento for our family. A few years down the road, around the time she was 10 years old, she eventually did begin enjoying reading, but I had nothing to do with it. Many of her classmates and friends were avid readers and she became hooked to reading through their influence.

I encourage all parents to do a book-writing project with their children. The process, which can takes weeks or months, brings a great sense of empowerment and purpose to children and the end result, a tangible book, becomes a proud possession that can be shared with others for years to come. Here is how to do it yourself:

1) Have your child identify what they want to tell a story about. What are they interested in, what do they love doing? Whether the subject is sports, animals, music, cartoons, food, a friend or sibling, the vital thing is for them to write about something that they won’t lose interest in over the course of a few weeks.

2) Give your child access to a computer to type the story or buy them a special notebook that is dedicated only to drafting the story. If your child is too young to write or type on their own, have them dictate the story to you as you type or write it.

3) Set aside 10-30 minutes consistently (daily, every other day, just the weekends, etc), depending on your child’s age, for them to work exclusively on the story. Make the experience enjoyable -- I would make my daughter a favorite snack to munch on while she typed away

4) If your child seems stuck, spend time talking about the story and discussing what could happen next in the plot line. Help your child develop a start, middle, and end to the story and work on the characters by asking questions about how the characters feel, what their personalities are like, and what they would probably do next.

5) If it seems like your child’s attention is waning, try to wrap the story up. You don’t want them to get bored and abandon the project.

6) Once the story is all done, time to “publish”. This can mean printing and binding it in a clear project folder or, if it is handwritten, then help your child rewrite the draft on fun scrapbooking paper or plain paper that can be decorated. Get creative, you can use colorful construction paper as the front and back cover and bind the book by punching holes in the side and weaving yarn or ribbons through. Just remember to leave blank pages and space for illustrations

7) Have your child illustrate the blank pages using crayons, markers, stickers, scrapbooking cutouts, glitter, etc.

8) If possible make a few copies of the book to give to others – your child will be thrilled to show off their hard work!

9) Throughout the process, encourage and praise your child’s work while ensuring they complete the project. An important aspect of this project is teaching your child to commit to something consistently and following through to reach long-term goals.

10) Finally, remember to recognize that every child has natural abilities, talents, and aptitudes. Encourage them to try different things, but help them identify what they really do well and encourage and support it in creative ways!

-Rabia Chaudry, Esq.

Fathers, Who Needs 'em?

2010-03-26T17:17:00.002-04:00

Our national and international envoy, Mr.Chowdhury, has been meeting with people across America and the UK about MuslimFathers.com. The number one question he's been asked is, "Why MuslimFathers, why not just MuslimParents?" I've tried to address this question in our semi-official call to arms, but let's tackle it in more depth right here. Why are Fathers necessary? What are the problems with having a campaign/website/blog/social group dedicated to Muslim Parents without explicitly focusing on Fathers?

My 2 cents: Father figures have a place in the human psyche that cannot be replaced by any other entity. The same, of course, goes for maternal figures. As the cliche goes, Fathers are role models for children, especially boys. While growing up and attempting to navigate through the massive overload of information and social pressures, a boy with a positive Father Figure will choose to latch onto Him and follow His lead. Without that positive Father Figure, boys are much more vulnerable to negative social influences. The National Child Development Study, conducted in the UK, has been tracking the development of 17000 children, all born in 1958. This quick overview lists a staggering set of positive outcomes for positive fatherly involvement. There are significant correlations for criminal activity, educational achievement, not being homeless, and mental health.

Another study, conducted by Swedish researchers and featured in a prominent pediatric journal, concludes that fatherly involvement has a key role to play in reducing behaviour problems in boys and psychological problems in young women. An excerpt:

"... children who had positively involved father figures were less likely to smoke and get into trouble with the police, achieved better levels of education and developed good friendships with children of both sexes."

"Long-term benefits included women who had better relationships with partners and a greater sense of mental and physical well-being at the age of 33 if they had a good relationship with their father at 16."

The problem with a website or campaign dedicated to Muslim Parents in general is that it allows the very specific problem of absentee fathers to be ignored. Go to any website, Muslim or otherwise, dedicated to the topic of parenting or children, and I can guarantee you that the majority of participants will be women. As the cited studies and our own reason and instincts indicate, you can't conceive a child without a father and you can't complete a child without a positive father figure.

Let us know your thoughts.

A Horrible Truth

2010-03-12T12:26:00.003-05:00

Assalam alaikum,

In modern times we have to come to grips with uncomfortable, even horrible truths. Amongst those current day realities that we cannot afford to ignore is the presence, and some might even say prevalence, of child molestation within the Muslim community. Story after story after story has come to me of people, that when they began to look in to the dark corners of their family and extended family, have found evidence of this horrible deed. These stories have come from all walks of life, from all cultures and races and economic classes. It is an American phenomenon and a "back home" phenomenon. If somehow you are skeptical about the prevalence of this problem, I can only say that I wish you were right, but too many people, religious and otherwise, have shared their stories with me that I no longer have the luxury of pretending this problem doesn't exist.

While I know of no statistics regarding this issue in the Muslim community, researchers say that "considerable evidence exists to show that at least 20% of American woman and 5% to 10% of American men have experienced some form of sexual abuse as a child" (D. Finkelhor, PhD, UNH). I do not believe that the frequency of occurrence in Muslim communities lags far behind. Dr. Ilyas Ba-Yunus, a sociology professor at State University of New York, states the overall divorce rate among Muslims in North America is 31% whereas the overall divorce rate in the US is 49%. We are not immune to trends that affect mainstream US culture. Two articles recently published on the web make it clear that this disease occurs in "Muslim" countries as well:
http://zerqaabid.blogspot.com/2010/03/true-story-of-child-molestation-in.html
http://muslimmatters.org/2009/02/16/sex-the-ummah-child-molestation-in-the-muslim-world-myth-or-reality-part-i/

We at MuslimFathers are attempting to develop an initiative to tackle this issue and engage local community leaders in helping Muslim familes to protect themselves. Stay tuned for further updates and please contact us if you have suggestions or want to get involved.

The Art of Building Believers, pt. 2

2010-03-12T10:56:00.004-05:00

In our last article we discussed giving a sense of purpose to your child by discussing with them Allah's statement, "I have not created the jinn and mankind except to worship Me" (Al-Thariyaat, 56). Communicating to your child such deep and powerful concepts is going to be entirely dependent on how well you understand them and even more importantly, practice them. Not everyone is gifted with the ability to express things clearly, but so much of what we learn in life is through the examples, both good and bad, of others. The spiritual truths about Islam are so simple: worship your Creator and shun the worship of anything else, Love Him, Fear Him, and Trust in Him more than anything else. These are clear truths that any man, woman, or child can intellectually understand, but to comprehend them with your heart is a different matter. That type of understanding can only occur with reading, contemplation, prayer, good deeds, and patience through good times and bad times.The deeper your relationship is with our Creator, the more able you will be to communicate these truths to your child with simple words and an honest example. There is no shortcut.

There is no joy in worship if you don't have an understanding of who you are worshiping. Your child needs to know about his Creator and one of the most intuitive and effective ways to do this is to expose them to the wonders of nature. Take them to parks and forests and show them the connection between the verse, "All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds", and all the beautiful things they see around them. The Arabic word العالمين (Al- Alameen, translated here as "The Worlds"), is the plural of علم (Alam), which means, "a sign" or "indicator". Thus, the verse implies that the Creation is a sign and indicator the Creator. There is beauty in this world because our Creator is beautiful. To put it another way, could this world be beautiful if it's Creator was not? Talk to your child about the trees and sky and rain and soil and how they all work together in perfect harmony, and then explain to them that this is the work of a Beautiful, Wise, and Merciful God. By showing them the connection between the physical world around them and the influence of their Unseen Creator, you will be building the foundation for a powerful sense of wonder and attachment to their Lord.

And Allah knows best.

The Art of Building Believers, pt. 1

2010-02-26T17:37:00.005-05:00

Assalam alaikum,

There are so many areas of our children's development that need our attention: academic, physical, social, etc. But the most important area, and conversely the one least discussed, is their spiritual development. To quote Pierre Teilhard, "We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a physical experience". If we ignore this essential aspect of our children's psyches, we run the risk that this innate spirituality will be submerged by the materialism that has overrun modern culture. As a parent, with all the love, respect, and attachment that Allah has naturally created in your child's heart for his/her Mother and Father, you are the best person to nurture and inspire his/her faith; it is not enough to rely on your child's Quran teacher or other remote religious figure.

Where to begin then? From the tremendous religious heritage of Islam, where should a parent start? Some may start at Wudhu and Salat, or reading the Quran, or perhaps the Golden Rule. While those are all essential and must be addressed, why not start at the crux of the matter? Why not start with the reason for their existence? "I have not created the Jinn and Mankind except to worship me" is what our Creator informed us. Ingrain into your children from the very beginning that their lives have immense value and purpose, that it should not be wasted on self-indulgence. While play, material gain, and socializing all have their place in our lives, our greatest fulfillment and joy comes from knowing our Creator and devoting ourselves to Him. Get your child started on the path to Allah early by discussing with him or her the implications of this ayah, as well as what it means to balance life between play time and prayer time, homework and Quran. What a service you will be doing for your child! What Ihsaan! Imagine your boy or girl intent on self-improvement and advancement, because their minds are clarified by a sense of noble purpose. Recall the story of a young Yahya Ibn Sharaf, who at the age of ten refused to play games with his peers, telling them, "I was not created for this!" This Yahya, after years of nearly superhuman diligence, became the man better known today as Imam An-Nawawi, may Allah have mercy upon him. While not everyone will achieve or even desire that level of dedication, it is a powerful testament to what a sense of purpose can do for a child.

The worship of Allah is not an event limited to specific times or places. It is a lifelong journey that you and your family have already embarked upon. In sha Allah, in future articles, I'll share some more verses from the Quran that lay the foundation for a sincere and beatiful relationship with our Creator. Check back in 2 weeks.

And Allah knows best.

Part 2 is now available

Why Muslim Fathers Have to Man Up

2010-02-12T12:59:00.012-05:00

Assalam alaikum,

There is an old saying that goes "it takes a village to raise a child". To me, that statement emphasizes the tremendous impact that a child's environment and peers has on his or her development. In a hadith narrated by Imam Muslim, the Prophet (alayhis-salaam) mentioned that sheep shepherds are meek and humble, whereas the caretakers of camels are proud and arrogant, indicating that these human beings are influenced by the innate character of the animals that they take care of. In commenting on this hadeeth, the Ulama have long mentioned that if people are susceptible to being influenced by the character of animals, then how much more susceptible must they be to being influenced by other people and cultures? Now, please take time to think about this in relation to the situation with Muslim families today. Take a quick scan of mainstream culture; check out what is playing on TV or in the cinema, what are the popular stories on the internet, see what your average co-worker or potential classmate for your child is talking about. While there are positive nuggets to be found, the overwhelming majority of what is buzzing and rumbling in the cloud of mainstream culture is petty, selfish, and indulgent, and "Muslim" cultures are not exempt from this. This is our new, global village. Our children deserve better. And the only person that can provide them what they deserve is you, Allah willing.

"Each of you is a shepherd and each of you shall be asked about his flock"(Bukhari and Muslim) is what the Prophet (alayhis-salam) told us. Was there ever a time in history where this hadeeth has been more pertinent to a Muslim parent? Has there ever been a time where adultery, disrespect for parents, heedlessness of the Creator, rudeness, and intoxication, which are sins condemned by all the world's major faiths, are not just accepted, but actually advertised to children? I dearly wish that I was exaggerating, that I was some turbaned version of Glenn Beck, but take one long, eye-searing look at the popular media that is targeted to youth, such as MTV and hip-hop, and you might get upset with me for understating the problem. And as I often have to point out, the Muslim community is not mystically protected. Just because our children are named Aisha and Muhammad, or because someone's great grandfather was a hafiz of the Quran, does not bestow a quasi-magical barrier of protection from society's ills. Through research and personal accounts, I can guarantee you that our children fall prey to the same immorality that the children of all other communities suffer from. Permit me to lift the veil for just one moment: amongst Muslim youth, I know stories of zina, alcohol and drug use (including kids in Hifz school), apostasy, and even incest. We are not immune! These children needed a protector. They needed a true Muslim Father.

Let me address the inevitable question: Why am I talking about Muslim Fathers and not Muslim Mothers? The simple answer is that the level of involvement of Muslim Mothers in the upbringing of our Ummah's children is relatively high; look at Muslim parenting websites, masjid activities geared towards children, etc. and you will find that the majority of participants are mothers. Or even better, speak with the youth of your local community and ask them about their relationship with their parents. When it comes to their mothers, many may even complain that their mothers are too involved, "nosy", or "smothering". Ask them about their fathers and you will often get blank expressions, and vague, shy answers that they don't spend much time together.

Our sisters were not meant to bear this tremendous responsibility alone. Children need the unique dynamics that a father and a mother bring to a family. Allah has created everything with an inherent nature and purpose, as indicated by the Prophet's statement (alayhis-salam), "People are minerals like the minerals of gold and silver, the best of them before Islam are the best of them in Islam when they obtain knowledge and understanding." (Bukhari and Muslim). There is a specific role that men are supposed to play in the family, modern gender politics be damned. Failing to live up to that role is failure to be a man. Our Creator said, "men are the caretakers (Qawwamoon) of women" (An-Nisaa', 34). I understand that this verse has often been used as a bludgeon to enforce female subservience to their husbands, but that is the result of a backwards and impotent culture, and has nothing to do with our Creator's intent in revealing this verse. As always, our salvation comes from the Sunnah of the Messenger (alayhis-salam). In dealing with his wives and children, the Prophet (alayhis-salam) demonstrated kindness, consideration, compassion, and patience that would put any modern relationship guru to shame. And he sealed the issue by saying, "The best of you is the one who is best to his family, and I am the best amongst you to my family" (At-Tirmidhi, declared Saheeh by Al-Albaani) emphasizing that his implementation of Qawwamah is the only authentic one, and it is not open to a new American, Arab, Pakistani, or other interpretation. To reiterate: failure to be strong, kind, and caring to your family is failure to be a true man and Believer.

There has never been a time when families have been more in need of this strong, caring figure. We live in an age where we can take nothing for granted. Can you wholly entrust your child's education to the public school system, especially in such an evolving and dynamic world? Thousands of educators and experts have written about the inherent flaws of our school system and those flaws are present in any school that models itself after that system (i.e. Islamic schools). Is the food in our supermarkets safe? Again, the testimony of countless experts highlights significant dangers in the way our food is produced. What about your child's physical development? Hours and hours of play every day were once typical for a child, but current cultural trends are more likely to steer your child towards hours in front of the TV or computer. And what about their spiritual life? Is it enough to send them to Quran class on Saturday and Sunday? Would memorizing and reciting lines from Grey's Anatomy be enough to make them competent physicians? What about the immorality promoted by modern media channels that I discussed earlier? The list goes on and on, the challenges are relentless, and Muslim families will be overwhelmed, unless they can come together, cooperate, and help each other in the path to their Creator. This endeavor, like all great endeavors, needs a leader. That leader is supposed to be the Muslim Father.

And Allah knows best.

2010-02-03T17:49:00.001-05:00

Call to Action: Take a Stand against Domestic Abuse

Muslim Men Against Domestic Abuse (mmada.org)

February 2010

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Dear Community,

Assalamu ‘alaykum; peace be upon you all. Last year, many of you joined Muslim leaders nationally and globally to speak out against domestic abuse. The wake-up call for many was the February 12th murder of Aasiya Zubair Hassan, general manager and co-founder of Bridges TV. Shortly thereafter, Muslim Men Against Domestic Abuse (www.mmada.org)was established to promote domestic tranquility in our communities. As we approach the one year anniversary of Sister Aasiya’s death, and as a means of encouraging communities to continue to speak out against domestic abuse, Muslim Men Against Domestic Abuse is organizing a Call to Action.

First and foremost, we hope that each community will devote one khutba (Friday sermon) this month to the topic of domestic abuse. To assist imams and leaders, we have created a document entitled “Talking Points (Khutba).” (This and other documents were compiled by our board members, a diverse group encompassing professors and students of Islamic studies, domestic abuse activists, and others.)

Attached you will also find five pledge forms at the very end of this document. We respectfully request that all communities participating in this campaign organize a pledge-signing campaign immediately following the khutba or lecture on domestic abuse. These pledges
represent a global Muslim stand against domestic abuse. Please feel free to make more copies if necessary. Once we collect your community’s pledges, all names will be transferred to the MMADA pledge on our website. We would kindly ask that you provide us with the signed pledges as soon as possible. These can be scanned and emailed, or sent to us as is. Our email and mailing addresses are listed in the attachment.

We have also included a “Domestic Abuse Fact Sheet” flier. We kindly request that you please hang this or a similar flier on your bulletin boards.

Finally, you will find two related MMADA articles, “Women and Men as ‘Garments’” and “The Healthy Community.”

Every community has our permission to copy and disseminate this Call to Action packet. With your commitment and, most importantly, Allah’s (swt) permission, the actions suggested above will strengthen our stand.

Sincerely yours,

Muslim Men Against Domestic Abuse
http://www.mmada.org
MMADA Document Link

Prophet Mohammed: A Pioneer of the Environment

2010-01-18T22:39:00.001-05:00

NOTE: Father should be a model in this sunnah.

By Francesca De Chatel

“There is none amongst the believers who plants a tree, or sows a seed, and then a bird, or a person, or an animal eats thereof, but it is regarded as having given a charitable gift [for which there is great recompense].” [Al-Bukhari, III:513].

The idea of the Prophet Mohammed as a pioneer of environmentalism will initially strike many as strange: indeed, the term “environment” and related concepts like “ecology”, “environmental awareness” and “sustainability”, are modern-day inventions, terms that were formulated in the face of the growing concerns about the contemporary state of the natural world around us.

And yet a closer reading of the hadith, the body of work that recounts significant events in the Prophet’s life, reveals that he was a staunch advocate of environmental protection. One could say he was an “environmentalist avant la lettre”, a pioneer in the domain of conservation, sustainable development and resource management, and one who constantly sought to maintain a harmonious balance between man and nature. From all accounts of his life and deeds, we read that the Prophet had a profound respect for fauna and flora, as well as an almost visceral connection to the four elements, earth, water, fire and air.

Read more: http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?c=Article_C&cid=1159951461738&pagename=Zone-English-Living_Shariah/LSELayout#ixzz0d1gO5zWW

Read more: http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?c=Article_C&cid=1159951461738&pagename=Zone-English-Living_Shariah/LSELayout#ixzz0d1gGD64h

Seerah and your kids

2010-01-08T12:09:00.009-05:00

Assalamu alaikum,

A few months ago I thought it would be a good idea to read the Seerah of the Prophet, alayhis-salam, to my 6 year old boy. I purchased a few books and began to read from them to my son. The endeavor soon went very, very stale. The author had chosen to omit the more dramatic incidents of the Seerah, such as Bilal's torture, the conversion of Hamzah, and any level of detail regarding the famous and pivotal battles of Islam. I presume the author felt that such intense and sometimes violent content was inappropriate for children and while I respect his decision and efforts, I do not agree with him. The Seerah is about Life, or to be more precise, how Life Should Be Lived. And according to the Quran, The Sunnah, and the experience of every human being in history, Life is full of struggle, defeat, pain, victory, joy, death, birth, and rebirth. Are we doing our children a favor by sheltering them from these realities at such a young age? Is it not better to gently introduce them to these truths through the Seerah of the Prophet, alayhis-salam, as told to them by their own Father, in the comfort of their own home and bed? That is the conclusion that I reached and I did not believe that any of the Seerah books for children currently available would meet that goal (feel free to let me know if I am wrong and that you have found a great resource), so I proceeded to deliver my own narration of the Seerah to my son.

As a reference, I used one of my favorite Arabic books, السيرة النبوية في ضوء مصادرها الأصلية, "The Prophetic Seerah in the Light of its Original Sources", by Mahdi Rizq-Ullah, and to put it simply, the experience has been absolutely awesome. Together, my son and I have experienced all the most dramatic moments from the greatest and truest adventure ever lived, toned down (and sometimes exaggerated for comedic effect) to a level that I felt was appropriate. We visited the Prophet's infancy and the loneliness of his childhood after the death of his parents, then his growing prestige as a trusted merchant of Quraish, alayhis-salam. We witnessed the awesome terror and power of the first revelation and the comfort given to him by his noble wife, alayhis-salam and radhy Allahu 'anha. The ups and downs, the joys and defeats, the sacrifices and the struggles of the greatest generation this world has ever seen became a part of our nighttime routine and I swear that at times I was so moved that I could barely continue ... in fact, out of all the ways that I have experienced the seerah of Muhammad, alayhis-salatu was-salam, through reading, listening to tapes, and even attending a seerah class as a student of Shaykh Muhammad Ibn Uthaymeen, rahimahullah, I feel that this has been the most rewarding... may Allah forgive my inadequacy at finding the right words, but all I can say is that it is one thing to learn the Seerah for yourself and an entirely other thing to learn it and teach it for the sake of your children.

My experience in re-delivering the Story of Muhammad, alayhis-salam, and his Companions has been one of the most positive endeavors that I have undertaken as a father. It provided me with an unique opportunity to teach my son lessons about perseverance, mercy, faith, bravery, and a long list of other virtues rarely talked about in today's society. I've shared this with you in the hope that there is something useful to be learned from it for yourself and your family. And Allah knows best.

Private Browsing

2009-12-14T22:20:00.002-05:00

Of the many dangers the Internet poses to our children and families, perhaps none is more greater than anonymity. The Internet can provide an individual with the anonymous freedom to become anyone he or she decides. The harsh reality is that you can never truly know who is on the other end.

Now there is a new twist to anonymity, private browsing. The latest versions of three popular browsers (IE 8, Firefox, and Google Chrome), they all come built-in with private browsing. As Mozilla states on their website @ http://support.mozilla.com/en-US/kb/Private+Browsing:

"History is used by the browser to enhance your experience on the Internet. When the browser remembers a website you previously visited or the username and password for your favorite web site, this information is considered your history. However, there may be times when you do not want other users of your computer to see or access such information. For example, if a friend or family member shares your computer, you might prefer for them not to be able to see what websites you've visited or what files you've downloaded. Firefox 3.5 and later provide "Private Browsing," which allows you to browse the Internet without Firefox saving any data about which sites and pages you have visited."

As a concerned parent, we can easily see how this can create an unneeded temptation to our family.

Here is a way to disable private browsing in Mozilla Firefox, I am currently working on IE 8 and Chrome (any help is appreciated).

Copy and paste this directory path in Internet Explorer, treat it like a regular web address.

Windows 7 & Vista

file:///c:/Program%20Files%20%28x86%29/Mozilla%20Firefox/components

Windows XP & 2000

file:///c:/Program%20Files/Mozilla%20Firefox/components

Once you are in the folder scroll down until you see 'nsPrivateBrowsingService', right click and delete!

Private browsing DISABLED!!!

THE Muslim Internet policy - solutions for kids and dad

2009-11-22T01:57:00.010-05:00

To address pornography and social networking, a policy and a few technologies must be in place. The technology alone is not the solution. But keep in mind the greater threat for children will be mobile devices.

POLICY: The owner or admin of all electronic devices should be the mother (in most cases). yes, tech geek dads must relinquish control to their wives.

Technology must include the following:
Laptop/Desktop

Filtering Software - prevent access to inappropriate sites
Accountability software - not just a logger, track every internet site you visit and sends a weekly report to your accountability partner. It removes the anonymity. If someone attempts to uninstall the software, the accountability partner is notified.

Great resources - http://www.x3watch.com/
http://www.no-porn.com/resources.html
List of accountability software - http://www.urbanministry.org/wiki/accountability-software

Mobile

Remove access to Safari, Youtube, App Store (through app store they can get another browser). for details http://www.quittingpornguy.com/2009/03/quitting-iphone-porn.html
Install Filtered browsers for iphone (Example: http://www.bsecure.com/)
Install accountbility software for iphone (waiting for x3watch and convenanteyes to get approved by apple)

Conclusion: One person should have the ultimate authority on every device, including mobile. Make it mom or some other trustworthy person. Accountability software sends them weekly or biweekly reports of chats, emails and sites visited.

Golden Principles of Raising Children

2009-11-21T02:14:00.004-05:00

By Imam Ghazali Rahmatullahi Alayhee
Translated into English By Irfan Hasan

For the entire article click here

Topics Include:

HARMS OF EXCESSIVE SCOLDING
ETIQUETTE OF SLEEPING
PROHIBITION OF ARROGANCE AND PRIDE

AMAZING article about parenting

2009-11-13T21:22:00.000-05:00

May Allah reward the sister who sent me this link to an absolutely fabulous article. Makes sure to read till the end and note the final point.
http://muslimvillage.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=51418

From the Trenches: Salma Abugideiri, Marriage Counselor

2009-11-13T18:33:00.003-05:00

Assalam alaikum,

The following is an interview I conducted with Salma Abugideiri, a marriage counselor from Virginia who works primarily with Muslim families. We discussed trends in Muslim marital problems, causes, solutions, and how Islam or Islamic texts are inappropriately used in the context of marriage. It was very, very interesting for me to hear in detail about some of the trends in our community and I hope you are able to benefit as well.

Sister Salma is one of the many brothers and sisters who the Muslim Fathers team met at the Islamic Social Services Association conference in Dulles, VA of this year. Quite frankly, our impressions of that event deserves a blog entry of its own, but in short, it was very inspiring and encouraging. May Allah reward sister Salma and the others for their continuing efforts to help Muslim families.

NOTE: this is not Frost vs. Nixon and I am not Larry King or Katie Couric. My interview skills need considerable work, but as the Prophet, alayhis salam said (in an authentic hadeeth), "سددوا و قاربوا", which can roughly be translated as "do as best as you can". I also had some technical issues in recording and editing the interview, if anyone has experience in the field and has some useful suggestions, please contact me.

The book suggestions:

Marital Bliss by Mohammad Reda & Ekram Beshir
Qawamah by Mohammad Rida Beshir
Muslim Marriage Guide by Ruqayah Waris Maqsood
Gender Equity in Islam by Jamal Badawi
Qur'an and Woman by Amina Wadud
Rights and Responsibilities of Marriage by Hamza Yusuf
What Islam Says About Domestic Violence by Zainab Alwani & Salma Abugideiri (addresses Islamic paradigm for healthy, violence free relationships)

Fighting for your Marriage by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley
John Gottman's books, including Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; The Relationship Cure
The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis
Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil
Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix

Parenting Course: Raising Upright Children

2009-11-10T13:32:00.003-05:00

I am currently taking this course. I highly recommend this for all parents. It includes practical advice and well structured approach to parenting. I took the live version at the ADAMS center in Sterling, VA.

I decided to take the online course as a refresher. There are some key points that have changed my perspective altogether. This is my first course on www.SeekersGuidance.com.

From the Site - Islamic Parenting: Raising Upright Children

This important course seeks to provide guidance on one of the most critical topics of the times: raising mentally and spiritually healthy children. This course provides practical advice on how to raise upright children in the spirit of the Qur’an and the Prophetic Sunnah. Based on classical texts on Islamic parenting, the course contextualizes their wisdom in light of modern day circumstances and addresses the most pressing parenting questions, including how to raise children that are spiritual and love Allah and His Messenger, how to protect children from negative influences, how to discipline them, and how to deal with parenting issues specific to living in the West. This course is a must for all concerned Muslim parents.

Internet Safety Khutbah

2009-11-05T07:18:00.003-05:00

I recently gave a khutbah at the Prince George's Muslim Association (PGMA) regarding the internet and its impact on the lives of Muslim youth. Alhamdulillah, it was well received. May Allah reward the brothers and sisters that were involved in the research and presentation of this khutbah. I hope you benefit and please excuse any flaws:

The Internet and Your Kids

2009-10-13T08:22:00.018-04:00

The following is an article by Fatin Khairallah, a licensed social worker who specializes in working with troubled youth, especially Muslims. She is the founder of Muslim Youth Social Services in New Jersey, United States. The MuslimFathers team recently contacted her and discussed some problems that Muslim youth are facing in their online interactions.

A Reality Check:
Our Youth, How Safe Are They on the Internet?

By Fatin Khairallah

So many of you must be thinking, “Drugs, guns, pregnancies, our kids could never do these things.” In fact, these activities don’t even cross our minds when thinking about our MUSLIM youth. We automatically assume that, “these things don’t happen to Muslims.” Unfortunately, we need to undergo a reality check and accept that this is not the case anymore. .

Muslim youth are hooked into the same dangers as non-Muslim youth of today’s society. The statistics show it all. Ninety percent of Muslim children, as young as 11, are using chat rooms and Internet sites to contact strangers. At the same time, they are providing these strangers with all of their personal details.

As a counselor for Muslim Youth Social Services (MYSS), I handle numerous cases whereby Muslim youth have been harmed by socializing via the Internet on sites such as myspace.com, facebook.com, friendster.com, and xanga.com.

Why?

When asking youth why they are so fond of such websites, girls in particular respond emotionally when explaining that they feel this is the “safest” way to vent out their feelings. They feel their parents are clueless about how they feel and they want to reach out, even if it means talking to strangers through the Internet. From personal observations and conversations with these youth, it appears they are using these sites as a form of attention seeking.

There is a strong communication barrier between parents and children that is causing these young teenagers to search for alternatives to fill this void in their lives. They are desperately calling out to their parents for love and care. These Internet chat websites provide them with that window to the outside world without them having to leave their room or face disapproval from their parents.

Another striking factor for losing our children to the Internet is that a majority of parents assume they “know it all.” They feel they are educated, active members of local organizations and masjids, so they instill in their hearts that nothing bad could happen to their kids. Yet from the cases I handled, I discovered the total opposite, and, in reality, no one is exempt from this problem. In fact, those who have busy lives have to be more cautious than others because they may be too busy, and as a result, their children might slip between their fingers when they expect it least. They may overlook clear signs of behavioral changes resulting from an unhealthy Internet addiction.

Once our children turn to this destructive resource for “enjoyment,” it is not just fun, but it is in actuality making our kids lose the most valuable blessing Allah gave them — haya’ (shyness). Their innocence is being sacrificed at the cost of a product of modern technology, the Internet. Not only are children stripped of their shyness, but they become easily accessible to child predators. In just the past two weeks, 9 girls, aged 12 to 14, were raped by child predators whom they had met on Internet websites.

Finding a Solution

The problem is clear, but what can we do to protect and save our youth from dangers such as these? One possible solution which parents can start with is to make sure their computer is set up in an open area of the home. Children should access it in their parents’ presence and for limited time periods. Parents must establish open communication with their children and educate them, as well as themselves, about the dangers of the Internet. One can take it even further and contact the local FBI community service or juvenile division, the prosecutor’s office, and the local board of education to present awareness workshops at their child’s school. People from these organizations would be more than willing to come in and assist you.

Role Models

Most importantly, we need increase the desire of Muslim youth to learn about Islam and love their deen. Once our youth have a firm awareness of Allah and knowledge of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), their taqwa will increase, insha ‘Allah. Their faith will be exemplified through their actions and they will readily protect themselves from sin and the evils of this time.

One of the best ways to make sure that young people grow up as strong Muslims is to set the example as good Muslim parents and adult who also have the desire to learn about their deen and to be firm on the straight path. Youth look up to their parents who guide them through life. Children should love and respect their parents, thereby following them in their proper conduct. This is the best way that we can protect our youth from the dangerous habits and actions that arise from non-Muslim activities, which are so widespread, yet hidden in this society. May Allah raise our youth to be free from impurities, strong in their faith, and guardians of their chastity. Ameen.

May God give us the wisdom, courage, and strength to strive for change in ourselves, to guide us and to guide others through us, and make us realize and fulfill the responsibilities we owe to our spouses, children, families, communities, and the living and future generations.

Divorce: The Day After, pt.1

2009-10-11T16:49:00.002-04:00

I never imagined I would know so many divorcees. I am fortunate enough not to have gone through a divorce, but many, many of the brothers that I know have had to deal with divorce and its myriad ramifications.

One thing I have yet to see, on TV or the Internet or any other form of media, is what a person should do after a divorce; what steps should a man or woman take to emotionally recover and get their lives back on track? I am prodding some of my divorcee friends to contribute to this series of articles, In Sha Allah we'll get something rolling. But one thing I can share is a website I found while trying to help out a recently divorced friend: http://www.just4dads.org/legal-custody.html. It outlines what the US courts are going to look for when trying to determine who gets custody of the children when a divorce occurs. According to the article, the courts will try to determine who is the child's primary care giver, using the following criteria:

Who puts the child to bed at night?
Who is there when the child gets up in the morning?
Who helps the child get ready for their day (bathing, clothing, grooming, etc.)?
Who takes the child to the doctor?
Who plans the child’s activities?

Assuming this is accurate information, Dads and Moms have an equal chance of getting custody of the children, rather than the mother being the default choice for US courts, as is commonly believed. Allah help any of you, brother or sister, that might be going through such trying times.

Making pancakes as worship, pt.1

2009-10-09T14:59:00.002-04:00

An astounding characteristic of true sunni Islam is the practicality of its concept of worship. The Creator gave us life to know and worship Him, but that worship is not exclusive to prayer, charity, and thikr.

In Sahih Bukhari we find the following narration: Abu Juhayfa relates "The Prophet made a bond of brotherhood between Salman and Abu Darda al-Ansari. Salman paid a visit to Abu Darda' and found Umm Darda' (his wife) dressed in shabby clothes. He asked her why she was in that state. She said, "Your brother Abu Darda' is not interested in the luxuries of this world." In the meantime Abu Darda' came and prepared a meal for Salman. Salman requested Abu Darda' to eat with him, but Abu Darda' said, "I am fasting." Salman said, "I am not going to eat unless you eat." So Abu Darda' ate with Salman. When it was night and a part of the night has passed, Abu Darda' got up (to offer the night prayer), but Salman told him to sleep and Abu Darda' slept. After some time Abu Darda' again got up but Salman told him to sleep. When it was the last hours of the night, Salman told him to get up then, and both of them offered the prayer. Salman told Abu Darda', "Your Lord has a right on you, your soul has a right on you, and your family has a right on you, so give everyone their due rights." Abu Darda' came to the Prophet and narrated the whole story. The Prophet said, "Salman has spoken the truth."

This Hadith is awesome for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is Salman's admirable wisdom being confirmed by the Prophet, alayhis-salam. But relevant to our discussion, the hadith emphasizes that our worship of Allah must be balanced. "Give everyone their due rights" ... let that concept roll around in your brain for a bit and compare it with your concept of Islamic piety. Many of us have been taught that the pious are the ones making tahajjud at 2am everyday for hours, or at the front lines of da'wah, passing out pamphlets on the streets of DC (or whatever your local urban giant might be), or of course the Student of Knowledge, who has travelled far and wide to study the deen and spread Islamic knowledge. All of these are noble pursuits and I have participated in all three to some extent; they are worthy of a man dedicating his energies and abilities towards, but not at the expense of family. "Save yourselves and your families from the Fire" is what the Quran tells us. "Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you shall be asked about his flock" is what the Prophet alayhis-salam tells us (narrated by Muslim). The piety, the taqwa, that our Creator wants from us is the type where we live up to all of our responsibilities, not some of them: "Nothing draws my slave closer to me than that which I have made obligatory upon him" (hadeeth Qudsi reported by Imam Al Bukharee).

In this day and age especially, where even the most basic building blocks of the family, the relationship between husband and wife, commonly collapses, family must become a priority for Muslim men and women. What kind of ummah can we be if we can't even keep our families together?

Getting Started

2009-10-09T08:51:00.000-04:00

assalam alaikum

This site was started simply because I needed a resource to teach me how to be a good father. The information is out there, in the books of the ulama, the experience of other fathers, on websites, in research papers, but I want it here, at my fingertips, accumulated, ready for absorption and contemplation, by me and my friends and every other brother who bears the immense responsibility of fatherhood. So please, if you would like to contribute to this growing body of knowledge about being a Muslim Father, email me at contribute@muslimfathers.com.

Abu Abdurrahman